The Tale of Stink-Foot, the Giant

This is Stink-Foot, the Giant and he is carrying his beloved Fungus Village which he grew from a single Banana and Avacado sandwich almost 2000 years ago. He carries it everywhere, obsessed with keeping it safe from other Giants. Among his kind, Fungus growing is a sport - of sorts. Every 2000 years, they congregate in a specified location and compare growths.

Unknown to Stink-Foot, his Fungus Village is home to a community of little men and women who worship him as their God. These little men and women appear from time to time in Fungus Growths, and will impress the Judges at the Fungus Fair. The key to cultivating these little people is frequent watering and a laissez-faire attitude which Stink-Foot has in spades.

These little people have a highly sophisticated (if some-what inbred) society. They, too, have fungus growing competitions and also hunt for lice in Stink-Foot's beard. This activity is extremely dangerous and deaths are not uncommon.

One famous expedition resulted in 4 of the little men falling to what should have been their deaths. Instead, they were saved when one of them fashioned a glider from a tuft of the Giant's hair, some badger fur and matchsticks and they all floated down to safety. This, however, was just the beginning of their journey. They were cast down into the world on which Stink-Foot walked. Bereft of their God, who, in one mighty stride, left them far behind, they instantly went mad. This was also partly due to centuries of inbreeding.

But these four men were no ordinary men. They were brothers (ofcourse) and, after one of them made a stirring speach about never giving up, which he had stolen from a Film, they set off to find their God and climb back to the Fungus Village they knew and loved.

3 years later, after following the Giant over several continents and many vast oceans, the four brothers caught up with Him. They had forgotten the purpose of the journey - indeed, one of them believed the Giant to be his cousin who owed him a considerable amount of Fungus - but they had made it atleast.






The problem now was how to climb back to the safety of the village...

















Stink-Foot continued his relentless journey across the Icy seas of Ice-Land, the Frozen food kingdom. The four brothers, despite being clothed only in loincloths, followed valiantly, but were too cold to think of a plan.

After passing Ice-Land and filling their bellies with all the oven-chips they could thaw, the brothers emerged from the freezing lands and came to a range of incredibly tall mountains. So tall were these peaks, that even Stink-Foot was impressed. The cleverest of the brothers scratched his head and muttered "If we can climb to the top of that cliff..."

"We could build a restaurant at the top out of matchsticks and badger fur!" His brother finished with a triumphant smile.

"Enough with your damned restaurant!" The cleverest brother screamed, a hint of insanity creeping into his voice despite himself. "We can jump back onto Fungus Village when the Giant passes beneath us."

"Don't be ridiculous! We'd never be able to carry all my matches with us in time."

"Not to mention all this badger fur..." Muttered the third brother.

****

After a heated argument, the brothers decided to try the cliff plan. It was risky, but they had nothing else to do, and the restaurant could wait.

The cleverest brother, being clever and all, decided that the other three should jump first. They waited, crouching at the top of this immense cliff, watching as Stink-Foot thudded slowly towards them.

"Now!" The clever brother pushed the first of his kin over the cliff. He had made an executive decision and besides, the man was in no position to argue.

The bearded man tumbled down the cliff, missing Stink-Foot by a mile -literally.

"Timing's alittle off." The Clever brother muttered with a frown.

And so four became three.

"You pushed him!" Gary squeeled. Gary was the most religious of the brothers and as such always spoke up when questions of morality were involved.

"He was a bad apple, Gary. It's better this way." The clever brother said, not hiding his irritation.

Gary had no time to retort as Stink-Foot passed beneath them.

"Now!" They shouted in unison.

The three remaining little men jumped from the cliff and each saw his life flash before his eyes. The clever man saw all the clever things he had done - like pushing his brother off the cliff - and marvelled at his own cleverness. Gary saw his godly deeds and said a silent prayer to the Giant. The third brother saw Badgers. But he was content with that.

They plummeted down and down, the mountains spinning with the sky untill all three were vomiting mid air. Somehow - perhaps through divine intervention, thought Gary - they landed right in the middle of Fungus Village, covered in each others vomit. After 3 years of chasing the Giant, they had made it. Gary spared a prayer for his lost brother, though he had never liked him and probably would have done him in years ago if it weren't for the other two.

Fungus Village welcomed them back and there was much celebrating.

But something was wrong. The motion of Fungus Village had changed - sutble and perhaps imperceptable to a person not accustomed to the regular swaying of the settlement, but the three brothers knew it instantly as 'wrong'.

The air had changed too, growing stagnant and musty. A green mist emerged from beyond the Village edge.

"The Green Mist!" The clever brother whispered to himself. He frequently did.

"Yes..." Gary gasped. "Ofcourse! The Holy Shroom speaks of such a thing. 'When the Green Mist descends, so shall the Gods sit in great circles and deliver judgement upon the Shrooms'"

"Then the Giant is slowing down. Judgement day is upon us!" The third brother mumbled hysterically, clutching his badger fur.

Stink-Foot was indeed slowing down, and at the heart of The Big Green Swamp, other Giants were already congregating. It was only a matter of time before something awful happened to Fungus Village...

To be continued?

****

Stink-Foot lumbered through the swamp, completely oblivious to the species of shrub he extinguished with one mighty fall of his ancient, foul-smelling foot. The other giants greeted him as he lumbered into the massive clearing. One of them, his rival and nemesis, nodded with grudging respect as he saw Stink-Foot's fungus growth. His name was Stink-Bum. It was a name he had earned.

The Story of Stink-Bum the Giant.

Stink-Bum's is a tale of woe.

New Illustrations!

Warning: The following text contains extreme Geeky-ness and is unsuitable for anyone who pukes every time they see Lord of the Rings.

This is Zohar the Aloof, a wizard driven insane by centuries of exile. But he wasn't always like this. No. He was once the most powerful mage in the land, even better than Gandalf and Merlin and Dave Blaine put together!!! He would spend hours perfecting his tricks and spells, and even got to level 99 which, as everyone knows, is the highest level there is. He knew every trick in the book (the book that comes with Dave Blaines 'How to do magic' set), and revelled in letting everyone know about it. "I know every trick in the book" He would boast to the ladies. And some of these ladies, the stupid ones, or the ones who really liked his beard-for Zohar had a mighty beard- would actually sleep with him. But I digress...

Zohar had it all. He could lift cities with his Levitate spells. He could burn stuff up with his fire spell. He could lift stuff. He could Burn stuff. He could lift...the list is endless. But, one thing eluded him still. He could not control the 4th dimension. Time. If he could go back and forward in time as he wished, he would NEVER miss Columbo again.

Legends told of a rift in time at the edge of the world. People called it The Legendary Rift (it was once called Xacksarthos'Kilandansat but after several people choked to death on their own tongues, the name was changed). It was said that a person could go to any time in History - and even beyond, to the future - if they could traverse the immense tornado that obscured the Rift. It wasn't just a big tornado. It was REALLY big. It was called The Really Big Tornado. Zohar thought 'no problemo! I'll just burn it up with my spells' and set off to conquer Time itself...

Zohar did, indeed, 'burn it up'. He managed to force his way through that ancient storm and into the Legendary Rift. There was a Boss at the end but Zohar was so hard by this point that the boss actually took his own life. Anyway, Zohar flew into the rift. He flew like Neo-but so much cooler. He flew right into the pitch black void of the rift and suddenly was alone. No wind. No light. No sound. Silent darkness. And then he was falling. Like Bill and Ted but cooler. And instead of twenty questions, he listened to 'Some Where Over The Rainbow' about a hundred times on his mp3 player (well, the medievil fantasy world equivolent which resembles an old record player only REALLY small). And then...

BAM!

He was suddenly lying on hard, cold stone. Shelves full of huge, ancient books towered above him on either side and stretched off in a corridoor for as far as his eyes could see. It was gloomy - so that wasn't far. But it was far enough to see one of the most hideously depraved, evil, vomit inducing, terrible apparitions anyone has ever seen.

But I won't get into what happened next because if I described with any degree of accuracy the horrible thing Zohar the Aloof saw in the gloom of that coridoor, you would probably go insane. Needless to say, Zohar was reduced to the twisted creature you see above, and remains so to this day, trapped in that endless library with The Thing whose real name would turn your stomach.

Anyway, below is a picture of a friend I did at work.